Fatima is a Filipina mom in Japan. Featured in this blog is her son Lucas. Proof that children can teach us all of life’s valuable lessons.
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Last Night, I Wept
I wept for the baby whose heart suddenly stopped beating.
I wept for the babies whose heart never pumped.
I wept for all the unborn babies.
I wept for all my friends who badly wanted to have a baby but have not been blessed yet
I wept for all the children who died innocently.
I even wept for my dead parents.
And then I cried some more.
Prayed some more.
Begged some more.
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God said, why do you deserve to have this baby? Why do you deserve it more than anyone else who wants to have a baby?
I thought.... I am already blessed with a child.
And I am grateful for that.
I know what it feels like to become part of the masterpiece of life
To Witness a miracle firsthand.
And with that, I know I deserved this baby.
I know I'm a good mother.
Lucas said it himself, "You're a good mom"
And while I pretend I did not hear it from the cartoon show he just watched, I believed in those words.
Why do I deserve it more than anyone else? I didn't have an answer.
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Because I know anyone else who badly wants to have a baby, be it a first child or not, deserves it.
And so I prayed some more.
Wept some more.
Hoping for a miracle.
The baby was supposed to be 15 weeks and 5 days.
But it stopped growing at 14 weeks.
And then..... no heartbeat.
A lot of possible causes.
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But the doctor, not hundred pages of the google search result can tell exactly what happened to my baby.
But there was no miracle.
No, not today.
I lost my baby.
Right after celebrating mother’s day.
Right after I posted an Instagram photo about pregnancy.
But yes.
Long after I felt the joy of having a baby again.
Long after I dreamt of holding a newborn baby in my arms.
Long after I imagined traveling Japan with a baby.
After many goodnight kisses in my tummy.
After many sweet cravings.
After many whispers of “I love you baby”.
Today, I mourn.
I mourn for my baby whose heart suddenly stopped beating.
I mourn for all the unborn babies.
I mourn for my dead parents who never got to witness what a good mother I’ve become.
But tomorrow, I fight.
I fight for my life as I deliver my baby.
Lifeless, but still mine.
The one who gave me joy.
The one who is giving me an unbearable sorrow right now.
After all the battle I fought, I’ve come out strong.
I will be stronger.
Tonight, I will allow myself to be weak and weep some more…
But I will not be weaker.
Because I know that today is not the only day for miracles.
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