Marissa & Joseph’s stillbirth story……
I was 34 weeks pregnant with you. 34 weeks of loving you. 34 weeks of imagining and wondering…. singing to you… your big brother whispering secrets to you… your daddy telling you how excited we all were to have you.
34 weeks I knew as much as I could know about you. I knew when you would roll around and hiccup, that you like to sleep in the morning and kick around at night.
So at 34 weeks I laid down at night and waited……… I rubbed my belly and cooed to you to wake up. I poked at you, “cmon lazy bones”. I thought well maybe he’ll be a sleeper (your big brother never was). I went to bed thinking, he will surely wake me up in the middle of the night. I woke up the next morning in panic. I felt you not waking up with me.
I went right to my doctor. The sweet nurse tried to find your heart beat. Then whispers in the hall until the doctorr came in. I looked up at the screen and saw before anything was said. There you were. Perfectly still. No flutters with your hands and feet, and no flutters in your chest. Nothing. Your heart had stopped. You were there and gone all at once.
I felt my own heart shatter a million times. It seemed cruel that my heart could even beat. I was broken in a way that could never be fixed. I drove to the hospital to meet you. I sat silently staring while everything around me blurred out of focus… pamphlets, and questions, and tears, and I’m sorry’s, and your beautiful father trying so hard to keep it together while falling apart. And me trying desperately to wake up from what surely should have been a nightmare.
It was painful and long to bring you into this world. The physical pain couldn’t hold a candle to the emotional. 18 hours til we could say hello and goodbye. 34 weeks and 18 hours to see your beautiful face. I laid with you and kissed you everywhere. I memorized every inch. I spent what felt like seconds and hours all at once just taking you in. You were so so beautiful. Your hair was wavy and black. You inherited my chubby cheeks and your fathers lips with that perfect cupid’s bow. You were so soft and smelled like me. I imagined how blue your eyes were like your brothers. How could life be so cruel that I would never see those blue eyes gazing up at me. That I would never get a kiss in return.
My sweet Orion David. Hello…. goodbye.
Every time I close my eyes I picture yours opening. I will love you every minute of every day for the rest of my life. My love will find you no matter where you are and that I’m sure of. I’ll focus on that. I have to. I won’t let my grief consume me but instead, I’ll let my love for you do it.
Until we meet again…..