We tried for several months to become pregnant and eventually our prayer’s were answered. Our beautiful boy fought to be here on earth every day since the day he was conceived. Unbeknownst to us my pregnancy would be high risk and at 17 weeks I began to leak amniotic fluid. I was in and out of the hospital weekly sometimes multiple times a week. I was so worried our boy wouldn’t make it since I was leaking fluid daily, they’d always check and basically told me if I were to go into labor before 23 weeks there wouldn’t be anything they could do for my boy. I was told bed rest and pelvic rest. Which I did as much as I could with my other child which was 2 at the time. I even quit my job to try and stay rested as much as possible to do what I could to keep him in and safe. Our strong little man held on inside me until 24 weeks gestation, that’s when I went into labor. That whole day just felt off, it was April 2nd and I took my daughter to see the Easter bunny and get a picture. I was getting crampy and just felt the urge to make another visit to check things out. We get there and they confirmed I was having contractions and quickly gave me some medicines to try and stop labor. They sent me to another hospital with a better NICU, since our boy made it past the 23 week gestation mark he had a chance. The medicine to stop labor worked and I stayed in the hospital for 1 week (which felt like forever. They wanted me to stay ideally until I was 34-36 weeks, when he would be more safe to enter the world) but at 25 weeks I began to go into labor again. I began to feel contractions around 3am that morning on April 10, 2023. They confirmed it was contractions and tried to use the medicine again to stop labor but it wasn’t working this time. At 4:50pm that evening I heard the most precious little cry I’ll never forget. The very long and painful laboring was worth it all for him. I gave birth all natural to our sweet boy. It was all a miracle from the very start. I don’t know how he survived in the womb while I was leaking amniotic fluid for months before going into labor. We didn’t get an infection or anything..
He was thriving in the NICU, only needing minimal help breathing the first few weeks. He’s so strong. His lungs were his only problem area. (He did have a PDA hole in his heart that did eventually close up) he was perfect otherwise. Almost inevitably he would need more help breathing as the machines are hard on their little bodies and lungs and he developed chronic premature lung disease. The drs made it seem as if this was normal and he would be okay. He just had to keep fighting. And he did every single day. Axl also received several blood transfusions and PICC lines and daily heel sticks during his 53 days of life. He also got my breast milk which was so special to me. Pumping was A LOT of work but it was all worth it for him. I even had a oversupply and the NICU had to ask me to start freezing milk at home for him. I wish I had enjoyed it more looking back now. I was looking forward to being able to breastfeed him which would still be a couple months but I was willing to keep it up just for him, when he was able to finally learn. That time never came.
Axl is such a beautiful baby boy. The nurses were always saying how handsome and sweet he was. He was beautiful. Perfect. Head full of dark brown hair, his perfect button nose, he had big hands and feet. He loved laying on his belly or left side. He loved having his hands on or near his face, even in the ultrasounds. He was usually so snuggly in his little incubator. Sometimes he could be a little feisty thing but can you blame him after all he’d go through daily. I only got to hold him twice during his 53 days alive. I wanted him to rest and grow so he could come home as quick as possible.. when he was awake he was so sweet. I remember when he first started to open his eyes I was so happy and excited for him. He would look around wondering what all this stuff was around him. I know he seen me too. I just wanted to get him out his incubator and snuggle him so sweetly.. He would hold our fingers, I’d change his little diaper and do his oral care with the sponges. I’d do anything I could to be his mother and care for him. Even after he passed I helped give his perfect little body a bath and do prints of his hands and feets. Change his diaper one last time.. and dress him in a satin outfit the hospital provided. He never got to wear any clothes while he was alive..
Axl had gotten sick and tested positive for rhinovirus. In that moment I didn’t realize how detrimental this was going to be for our world. It only took a matter of 2 days for things to go from stable and growing to dead. The hospital decided to put him on another ventilator and paralyze my sweet boy. I did not consent to this and had a horrible feeling about it. I should have stopped them but they’re doctors and nurses, they care for NICU babies everyday… I trusted the process.. but I could tell it wasn’t going to get better. How could he fight if he’s paralyzed and literally can’t even move or breath. Maybe the machines weren’t the ones he should have been on.. I have so many questions and what ifs. But it don’t matter because he’s gone. I should have stopped them and went with my motherly intuition.
Axl began to go into respiratory acidosis and his organs were starting to become compromised from lack of oxygen. The doctors said they could try to keep going but his organs were inevitably going to shut down and his blood pH was dropping which means his organs were starting to fail. We were eventually given the option to hold our sweet boy as he passed in our arms or let them keep going until they couldn’t anymore. In my heart I believe they should have done things differently and he would be here still. I should have spoken up. I shouldn’t have to even been given this option and he should be here.
We chose to hold our sweet boy as he passed in our arms. At 9:40pm on June 1st our sweet little perfect baby became our angel baby. It’s just unbearably heartbreaking. We knew his body went through too much and they were too hard on him. His heart rate was at 65 and his oxygen was in the 40s-50s for hours when we decided.. my sweet boy I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I should have done more. I replay it over and over of what happened and what I should have done differently what could have been done differently. I went to the hospital everyday to be by his side, sometimes twice a day. It was hard managing with another child at home also but I never missed a day. My daughter never got to meet her brother while he was alive.. everything was going so good, he was a true miracle and should be here in our arms.
I just want the world to know our beautiful boy Axl Wolfe. He should be here. He was getting so close to coming home. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he wouldn’t come home with us. It’s all still surreal. I just miss my boy and want him back.
Why God, Why.