Sofia Gmehlin

January 14, 2022
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We found out we were pregnant with our first baby on December 31st and confirmed it on New Year’s Day of 2021. What a great start of the year! All the pregnancy went well, no preeclampsia, no diabetes, no complications until the 35th week. I felt Sofia was moving less than usual, but we were also moving to a bigger place to have a nursery and I was also told by the NP that the bigger babies got, the less they moved. So, I continued with all the preparations for my little baby girl’s arrival. On Sunday August 8th at 35 weeks and 6 days, the day of the baby shower, I woke up and did not feel her move, so my husband grabbed the Doppler, and she had a heartbeat of 160, I thought, perfect! Reassured, I fell back asleep. When I woke up 1.5hrs later, she still was not moving, so I decided to have a sugary breakfast but nothing. I laid down to count kicks but less than 15 minutes after we decided to call the OB. At that point we, once again, checked with the Doppler and she had a pulse of 135bpm, a little low but still within the normal range of 110-160bpm but the hospital told us to come in just in case.

We entered the hospital through the emergency department. We were quickly brought up to the labor and delivery floor. The L&D nurse came in right away and tried to find my little angel’s heartbeat, but she could not, so she went to get the doctor with the ultrasound machine. It was less than 5 minutes when the doctor came in. She scanned my belly and said: “I’m sorry”. In that moment, I was in shock and did not know what she meant. The next second, I heard my husband break down in tears. I then realized what that “I’m sorry” meant. My husband and I hugged and cried. I could not stop thinking what I had done to hurt my baby, but the doctor told me that in most cases the cause of death is undetermined and that there was nothing I did to cause this.

I was then induced and 12 hours later our little angel Sofia Maria was born. She was the most beautiful baby. She looked so peaceful, so PERFECT. We spend 18 hours with her, and those memories are so, so precious to us. We hugged, kissed, bathed, and talked to her. We could not get enough time with her. However, regardless of the cold cot, Sofia’s skin was getting more and more fragile and that is when we decided to leave the hospital. Fortunately, we saw her again at the funeral home. We spent two more precious hours with her. My husband had the idea to tell her stories and we did and for those 45 minutes it was so magical, it felt like time had stopped and that she was just sleeping in our arms. This was our last time holding our baby, but it was so special, just the three of us. 

Three months later we got the autopsy results. Our little angel was perfect. The cause of death was undetermined.

It has been a little over 5 months since we had to say goodbye to our little angel Sofia. We miss her every single day. We think of her always. We are so proud to be her parents. We love talking about her and we feel extremely happy when we see and hear other people talking, remembering, and honoring her.

When I first came back home from the hospital, it was these stories that helped me get through the day and helped with my guilt of not being able to do anything for my little princess. I really hope that our story helps other moms and dads going through these rough times. I hug you and your family and hope for healing. I carry Sofia with me, always, and although initially my grief was scary, I realized that my profound pain is because of the profound love I have for my baby. My life will not be the same and I do not want it to be the same because now I am the proud mom of my precious Sofia and I would not change that for the world.

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