As long as Ryan and I have known each other, we have known we wanted to be parents. When we started trying for a baby, we were so excited and optimistic.
Unfortunately, the journey to get pregnant was filled with month after month of disappointment as we struggled with infertility. Finally, after almost 2 years, we got our first ever positive pregnancy test, which led us to Rory.
I had a healthy pregnancy, a peaceful delivery, and we met our perfect baby boy on October 26th, 2025 at 3:27 PM. He was everything we could have dreamed of and more. Our lives were instantly changed for the better and hearts grew more than we ever could have imagined.
We brought him home, and on his 4th day on Earth, we woke up but he tragically did not. Ryan did CPR, trying to save Rory while we waited for the paramedics. Once they got there, they quickly took him away, and minutes later, told us he was gone and there was nothing more they could do.Â
We made the hardest calls of our lives to Rory’s grandparents, who rushed to be by our side as we spent the next hours being interviewed by detectives and the medical examiner, while being watched by sheriffs. Thankfully, we were both in shock, so we did not understand, at the time, how traumatic and unfair this was. The entire time, I fully expected someone to walk through the door holding him, to tell us they made a mistake and he was okay.
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Eventually, it came time to say goodbye to our son, who we had just brought into the world a few days before. We entered the ambulance and were told we couldn’t hold or move him, and we only had a limited amount of time. So we kissed him and told him how much we loved him and tried to memorize every inch of his perfect face. He looked so peaceful, like he was still sleeping.Â
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Since that morning, the story of his passing has continued to evolve. As we sat in my doctor’s office the next day, I got his newborn screening results, showing the likely cause of his death, MCADD. We met with a metabolic geneticist, I’ve talked with other parents of MCADD babies, we’ve been tested for any other genetic disorders, and soon enough, we will receive the results of his autopsy. No answer will make our loss easier.Â
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When I think of that day, I think of the pure shock and horror. Every parent’s worst nightmare, except we hadn’t even had time to worry about him yet, not that we ever could have imagined something so terrible happening to someone so perfect and sweet. Every night, we now kiss an urn goodnight instead of our baby. We live in fear of what this means for our future as a family. We grieve our dreams for who he would have turned out to be and the milestones he never got to reach. We carry an infinite amount of love, and will spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out where to put it without him here.
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