Miah Mae Bauswell

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I went in for a routine annual checkup, they did blood work and took a sample for a pregnancy test. As I was waiting for a room to open up I was sitting in the doctors office. The nurse came in and told me I was pregnant, I said there’s no way to do another test. She does another test right in front of me and sure enough it was positive. When I got into the room I called my husband and told him to come inside. He had no idea why I told him to come him, he came in the room and it took everything I had not to cry but I pointed towards the pregnancy test and he was in shock too. Of course we were happy. The doctor came in and talked to us and did my annual and then told me he was doing a ultrasound. We went in there and for sure saw that we were expecting, I was only 4-5 weeks at the time.

We kept it a secret for over 10 weeks. Then started telling everyone. I am a type one diabetic so complications were high so I wanted to wait and wait to tell our families. I went to so many different appointments throughout my pregnancy. We found out we were having a girl and we were so excited to bring a princess into the world.

At one of the visits I found out she had a small hole in her heart and her right side of her heart was thick. I didn’t know what to think. A few months go by and I find out both sides of her heart are thick now. There’s a 50% chance she will need oxygen for her lungs when she is born so they want me to go to a different hospital than expected to have her. My regular OB didn’t want me to go past 37 weeks at all. Towards the end of my pregnancy I was going to my regular OB twice a week to be put on the heart monitor. Her heart dropped once during the whole time were I had to stay on the monitor for 3-4 hours other than that it looked good. I went to the other doctor out of town to schedule a induced date… he said we would deliver at 38 weeks. Something told me not to wait. It snowed so one of my last heart monitor visits got cancelled a few days before my induced date.

Then it came… it was time to head to the hospital out of town to get induced. I filled out all the papers and got a room and got dressed and laid in the bed. One nurse came in and said she was going to put me on the monitor, she was having trouble finding my daughters heartbeat so another nurse came in and she couldn’t. So they had a doctor do a ultrasound to find it and that’s when we got the worst news of our life.

She said I’m sorry I don’t know how to say this but there’s no heartbeat.

I was thinking maybe she’s just missing it. Another doctor came in and said the same thing, then another doctor came in and 100% confirmed our daughter didn’t have a heartbeat.

My husband called my mom, and his dad. I didn’t know anything after they told me that. I felt broken, I just lost someone so close to me, she knew me better than anyone.

Our bond was unbreakable. A lot of information and stuff was thrown at us. We decided to go ahead and get induced that night to have her naturally. They said I could have my mom, his dad and step mom come up there with us for support and love. So they did.

I spent 45.5 hours in labor. Those hours were hard, emotional and unforgettable. I was in pain physically and emotionally. When I heard it was time to start pushing I thought thank goodness I just want to get this over with. I remember everything every push, every “your almost there”…. everything. I couldn’t push anymore I was tired and wore out. They pulled her out, it all got complicated by shoulder dystocia. I got preeclampsia so that didn’t make this situation any better.

When I finally was able to sit up I held my daughter for the first time in my arms, she had my face for sure, just a little me. I was in love and hurt all at the same time. Our parents got to hold her too.

When my husband handed Miah over it broke all of us. We would never get to see her chubby cheeks ever again. Never get to hold her again, tell her “I love you”, nothing.

I spent 6 days in the hospital. Those were the longest 6 days of my life. I had checkups the next 2 days. My blood count was low, I am lucky it came up so I didn’t have to have blood transfusions. I was on so many meds. I was taking something for depression but I didn’t know if it was really helping I was hurting so bad still.

A few weeks went by and the results from my placenta came back and I had a rare infection that only 2% of women get it was Chorioamnionitis (an infection of the placenta and amniotic fluid, which had ate away at the membranes and gets to the baby.) I wasn’t sure why God did this to me in the first place but with only it being 2% I wondered really what was my luck like if I had any at all.

Planning a funeral for a life of someone so young was hard but it being my baby was even worse. The grief of this is like no other. Everyone can tell you it’s going to be okay but if they don’t know how it feels to lose you child before you could see any of there firsts, they really don’t know if your going to ever really be okay.

It will always be with me. The baby that I carried and grew inside of me was gone…. that is what I heard in my head for days.  I blamed myself and sometimes I still do. I try not to but I do.

I went back to work early, hoping it would be a great distraction and way better than sitting at home. It does help but I still think about her everyday. There’s good and bad days.

Miah was still born, I miss her so much and would go back in time when I was still pregnant with her, so close to each other! I am struggling everyday but I have a wonderful husband and family that is trying to help me. Through all this it really showed me just how much my husband loved me. He would have been the best father to our baby. This showed me just how much we need to value life. Because of you I have became a stronger person, I will continue to go on for you, continue to better myself and accomplish all my goals.

Miah Mae I love you baby girl!!!

If you know someone or you are the person that is going through the same thing I am… I am sorry. I’m not sure if I will ever be okay again. If I even know what that means. I never thought I would have to worry about having a stillbirth. You never think it’s going to happen to you till it does. So many forget about the father of the child during these times and I’m here to say it affects them too even if they didn’t carry them for 9 months they were there and they were just as part of them too. They lost their baby too. Nothing will ever take this pain away. We had a bad experience at this hospital a few people came in and had no care in the world that we just lost our baby. It made everything much worse, all the emotions. Please don’t take life for granted. It’s never something you are promised, I have seen that now. I will always be a mom to a beautiful angel! 

 

awareness month

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