Luka Grace

September 6, 2022
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Hello my name is Bella Rose and I lost my baby girl. Here is my story.

The day I found out I was pregnant I was scared and also excited I was scared for what people would think of me being a teenage mum. I was scared to tell friends/family, seeing 2 lines on 4 pregnancy tests sitting there thinking what was I gonna do? I had support.  I remember laying in my bed talking to my baby girl saying to her I’m gonna be the best mumma I can to her saying “I love you.”   

I was happy my dream was to always be a mum and my dream came true.  I’m young but it came true! I remember the day organising your announcement to the world 🌎 I was scared but I couldn’t keep it a secret anymore! Most people did support me. I remember thinking I can’t wait to take my girl on walks. To the park. On adventures. Spoil the absolute hell out of my bubba girl.

I got to 16 weeks gestation –  going to my appointment with my sister she wanted to see you and listen to your heart beat for the first time! All smiling I couldn’t wait to see my sisters become the best aunties!

I remember the look on the nurses face she had a sour look. My heart dropped I knew something was wrong with my baby girl . I remember the nurse telling me and my sister she’ll be back with another nurse. I remember looking at my sister worrying, feeling sick to my stomach, I was nervous there was no way there could be something wrong with my baby girl. I remember the nurses looking and listening at your heartbeat there was something wrong with your heart I just knew. I remember getting told that the nurses were seeing something not right with your heart.  My heart broke that day. I remember the nurses telling me they needed to give me a needle so they could test what was wrong with your heart. The nurses told me that there’s risks of the needle such as miscarriage. My heart dropped to my stomach.  One of the hardest decisions someone would ever have to do.

I made the decision I needed to know what was wrong with my girls heart so I could start planning things and our journey of life ahead. I had so many thoughts going through my mind but now I can’t remember them. I had a talk with the nurses and my family over the phone.  We all agreed to go ahead with the decision. I remember walking into another hospital room with weird things all around in it. I was scared. I remember the pain of that needle going through my stomach mentally and physically. I remember crying almost screaming. I watched the needle in my stomach near my girl and I was sick to my stomach doing it. We went home and we all talked and cried we were all so scared for the outcome of this.

I remember talking to you saying everything was going to be okay and you were healthy and mummy will always be there for you no matter what. I remember the day we got called into the hospital and sat down and were told that there was something wrong with your heart. Your left heart wasn’t developing properly.  I just thought to myself “why me why does this have to happen for me – she’s supposed to be healthy  – you’re supposed to come into this world without anything wrong with you. My head just didn’t feel right in the moment.   I couldn’t think I had so many what ifs running through my head. I remember telling you that your gonna be okay everything’s gonna be alright.

We had to take a trip down to Sydney Westmead Childrens Hospital because that was the best hospital for you. You had a cardiologist that I remember begging to do everything he could to keep you here with us. We had so many scans done I can’t even count. We had this one specific scan and that’s the day we found out your lungs weren’t doing good at all which didn’t really give you a good chance to live. 

I felt sick. My head. My stomach my whole body.  I couldn’t lose you baby girl you saved me. This couldn’t be happening to us there’s no way. The’re lying –  this can’t be true my baby girl, that I’m giving life to,  my baby girl is very sick and I couldn’t do anything about it.

We were determined you were gonna make it. You’re strong baby girl. Around 7am on the 31st of May 2021 I went into labour with you but it was different because you were sick. I remember drifting in and out on the wheelchair getting rushed to the birthing unit.  I was in so much pain but it was so worth it. I remember the midwife getting me prepared for you to come into this world.  I was so scared but so excited to meet that beautiful little face of yours – my sweet angel. They kept checking up on your heart. I stopped dilating at 3cm. I was in labour with you all day but again it was so worth it! They checked on your heartbeat again but we just couldn’t hear it –  the room was silent.

I remember the words “sorry but your baby has no heartbeat.”  I went into shock. I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t talk I couldn’t even cry. I couldn’t do anything. I remember hearing my sister scream.  My heart was completely shattered.  I lost my baby girl, my child, the only person that would’ve stayed by my side forever she was gone. They prepared me to have you I couldn’t push I was in to much pain so they rushed me into have you.

I remember waking up and asking straight away “my baby where’s my baby” is she okay? I really thought she’d still be here but she wasn’t.

It wasn’t until the next day I could see you and you were the most beautiful real life angel I’ve ever seen! Seeing a baby for the first time is supposed to be a happy moment. For us definitely not but I still talked to you,  kissed you and hugged you like you were still here. I dressed you, I took photos with you.  I just wish it was different🥺 baby girl .

I hope your having a great time up there with your 2 great nanny’s and great poppy. I know they will be loving and caring for you like I would’ve. I miss you so much. A year has past without you here baby girl.  I know you’ll be running around up there laughing and playing like you would have here.  My angel,  I miss you,  I love you. Our family will never be complete without you, our heavenly princess💘🦋👼🏼

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