A Mother’s Love
Kaydence- Rhythm, flow- a melodic or harmonic pattern that signals the end of a phrase
Brielle- God is my Strength
I am still a mother, as people remind me—my first mothers day as a mother with no child to parent. I am still a mother. Usually, on mothers day, mothers look to their children to attest to their motherhood the countless nights they lay awake to ensure that their babies are still breathing, the patterns they try to create to get their little ones asleep, the countless diapers they change, the runny noses they wipe, the tears they try to prevent, and the booboos they nurture. It saddens me to say that I don’t have those memories; I can’t share those moments or stories because I didn’t get to experience them, but I am still a mother.
I am not a mother because I had the opportunity to parent you. I am a mother because I gave birth to you. I carried you for 23 weeks and five days of your short-lived life. I felt your kicks, your heartbeat, and I breathed air into your lungs. I carried you, I cradled you, I kissed you, I held you. You are the greatest blessing God gave me. I am proud I can call you my daughter, my angel, and the best part of me. I long for the day I can hold you in my arms again.
Although my pregnancy was not ideal, it saddens me to say that I thought this would happen not exactly how it happened, but that it would happen. The pains I felt throughout my pregnancy were not acknowledged. Everyone thought I was overreacting, so I began to think the same. A voice said to me, you know your body, but another voice said, maybe you are overacting. Perhaps it’s the lack of exercise, the extra weight. I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you; you were trying to tell mommy something is wrong, don’t listen to them. Mommy listened anyway, and now I can’t feel your kicks, your heartbeat…oh how I long to experience that again. You gave my life so much purpose. I realize now all of the overthinking, thinking I was not ready to be a mother wanting to be so perfect for you that I was already prepared and that we were perfect for each other. You will forever be my first love. I wish I could’ve held you inside me longer; I wish I could have breathed for you. I wish I could’ve traded my life for yours. My mom has always told me she would give anything to take my pain away. Now I know the feeling. There’s nothing like a mother’s love.
Arriving at the hospital 23 weeks and five days pregnant. I did not know what was going on. I thought for sure I could not be going into labor. I still had at least 14 weeks to go. I never thought I would be leaving the hospital without her (Kaydence). Praying that my baby’s (Kaydence) okay, that it was just a false alarm, but five hours later, I would have to make the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I did not know whether you would be a girl or a boy. We were having a reveal in two days, we thought we were having a boy, but when they said we’re getting your daughter ready to transport to Shands, I repeated over and over to my mom I had a girl; at that moment, I realized she (Kaydence) was exactly what I wanted. I cherish the time I had with her. However, it was not enough. I could not imagine not having this time. It was a rough pregnancy; I did everything that was asked of me. I expressed all of my concerns, pains; I had my hospital plan ready, our hospital bag packed. We had already set up the car seat and stroller. The opportunity to carry you inside me for five months was the best gift God could have given me.
My Angel, My World, My First Love, My Everything.