Grayson Peter Kovacs Miller

June 27, 2018
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Patrick & Mary’s story of stillbirth…….

I decided I wanted to take my own maternity photos and write about my personal experience! I wanted to take the photos alone and using a tripod in my sons nursery, the nursery he never got to use. The process of taking these photos was lonely, frustrating, stressful, exhausting, beautiful, comforting, discouraging, isolating, tiring, depressing, joyful, saddening, difficult, motivational and inspiring. This photo shoot symbolizes the emotions I feel every second of the day since my son died and with this subsequent pregnancy, and what I will feel for the rest of my life.

Our son died 12/29/2016 when I was 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant, 4 days shy of our due date. As I write this I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with Grayson’s little sister.

STILLBIRTH IS Watching This Is Us and thinking thank God that was 40 years ago and babies do not die anymore

STILLBIRTH IS Finding out you are pregnant and planning your bright future

STILLBIRTH IS Going to each ultrasound so excited and feeling blissful

STILLBIRTH IS Picking out names for your babySTILLBIRTH IS Finding out the gender of your baby and surprising your friends and family

STILLBIRTH IS Having an amazing baby shower

STILLBIRTH IS Putting together the most amazing nursery for your child to be

STILLBIRTH IS Going to your final appointment before you give birth to hear those dreaded words “I am sorry, there is no heartbeat”

STILLBIRTH IS Calling your husband at work and telling him his child is dead and he needs to leave work

STILLBIRTH IS Picking your mother up off the bathroom floor of the doctor’s office

STILLBIRTH IS Seeing your father cry for the first time in your life

STILLBIRTH IS Calling all the grandparents and aunts and uncle to be to let them know your baby has died

STILLBIRTH IS Hearing your family’s shrieks as they find out the news

STILLBIRTH IS Sitting on the hospital bed and being told you now must give birth to your dead child

STILLBIRTH IS 14 hours of labor, your child getting stuck and having a nurse jump on your stomach while the doctor reaches in to his elbows to pull your child out

STILLBIRTH IS Giving birth in a room full of loved ones so they can say hello and goodbye

STILLBIRTH IS Watching your husband cut the cord of your first child

STILLBIRTH IS Holding your child, wishing they would open their eyes and start crying

STILLBIRTH IS Spending hours with your child as their body goes cold in your arms

STILLBIRTH IS Watching nurses take your baby away knowing they are going to lay them on a cold slab of metal

STILLBIRTH IS Leaving the hospital all torn up, wearing an adult diaper and carrying a memory box

STILLBIRTH IS Going from the hospital straight to the funeral home to plan your child’s funeral and burial

STILLBIRTH IS Going home to an empty and quiet house

STILLBIRTH IS Laying in bed with breasts leaking milk with nobody to feed

STILLBIRTH IS Having gained 70lbs in pregnancy and feeling like a different person

STILLBIRTH IS Wanting to trade places with your child, to sacrifice your life for theirs

STILLBIRTH IS Physically healing and bleeding for 8 weeks

STILLBIRTH IS Endless nights of crying yourself to sleep

STILLBIRTH IS A piece of your heart that has been ripped out

STILLBIRTH IS Wanting to try for another baby and being terrified

STILLBIRTH IS Avoiding all babies, children, gatherings and even baby commercials

STILLBIRTH IS Losing friends because they no longer understand you

STILLBIRTH IS Becoming a changed person, and trying to accept this new version of yourself

STILLBIRTH IS Trying for 9 months wanting to get pregnant so badly, but also being terrified

STILLBIRTH IS Finding out you are pregnant again and feeling pure terror

STILLBIRTH IS Navigating grief and pregnancy after loss

STILLBIRTH IS People around you thinking time heals all wounds

STILLBIRTH IS Telling time by how many months or years ago your child died

STILLBIRTH IS A constant hole in your heart

STILLBIRTH IS Being exhausted after every social gathering

STILLBIRTH IS Being in a room full of people and feeling so alone

STILLBIRTH IS A lonely journey where very few people understand you

STILLBIRTH IS Those around you thinking a new pregnancy will help heal you

STILLBIRTH IS Knowing one child will never replace the other

STILLBIRTH IS Knowing this grief and sadness is a life long thing

STILLBIRTH IS Going to each doctor’s appointment dreading you will hear those words again

STILLBIRTH IS Not being able to be excited for your next child and always thinking they too will die

STILLBIRTH IS Not being able to change the nursery because you just do not have the heart to


Mary Kovacs

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