In November of 2021 we found out we were pregnant again! (After three early miscarriages that year) We were so excited, as the weeks past we made it to 12 weeks and it didn’t feel real! We got a blood test to conform was we already felt, we were having a little girl! Everything felt right and amazing. As we approached 20 weeks along we were told we needed a specialist scan to make sure all was well as I was a high risk pregnancy. I had not yet felt Grace move and was very unsettled by that as our son I felt moving at 14 weeks along. On March 11th, 2022 we had our anatomy scan, as soon as the monitor turned on we were elated! She was moving like crazy! We could finally breath, she was moving like crazy, heart was great and she was “eating”. Over the next hour it was the happiest we had ever been, we got to see our little girl, all was good with our pictures, then the tech Said there are some pictures I’m having trouble getting, I need to ask someone to help. We waited over a half hour, then the doctor came in. As she entered she looked very sullen. She said our babies heart was great (which was what they were worried about). The next sentence felt like a bomb went off in our bodies “I do see that there is something wrong with her head and brain”. As she explained that our perfect little girl had “anencephaly”, something we had never heard of, we listened the best we could through the tears and turmoil in our heads, until she said it was terminal. Everything went quiet, numb, still!
On March 11th, 2022 we were given three options on how to end our daughter’s life. Anencephaly is a birth defect in which the skull and brain do not fully develop. It is a neutral tube defect and it develops within the first few weeks after conception. We knew we wanted to meet our little girl so option 1- a D and C was not for us. We also knew that as much as we felt we should and wanted to, we could not go full term or wait for her to pass. So we chose option 2. I was induced on March 14th, 2022 at 21 weeks along. I needed many medications to get labor going and had several reactions to the medications. I was told I would only need to dialate to a 5. This was not the case for my delivery, I had so much amniotic fluid i did need to dialate to a 10. After 30 hours, an epideral and over 20 doses of a dilation medication and a manual dialator she was finally here! After she was born I need to go to the er to get my placenta out. We had Now I lay me down to sleep there ( an infant death photographer).
Grace Margaret Gilder was born March 15th, 2022. She lived for 4 minutes, during these four minutes we were able to baptize her. We spoke to her, she held our fingers and moved her legs and arms. We were very overwhelmed with grief but we got to hold out little girl as she took her last breath.
Until we meet again
Goodbye little rainbow
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