On May 14th 2022 I had found out I was pregnant, i ran out of the bathroom with the positive pregnancy test and showed my boyfriend freaking out, we were so excited and scared to be pregnant. I remember sitting on the couch staring and holding my belly amazed that there was a tiny being growing inside of me. When we made our first prenatal appointment we had found out I was three months pregnant, which was really funny because I had all of the symptoms but we just thought it was the flu or something. Fast forward to August we found out we were pregnant with our little boy. We were so excited that we were going to have a son. Our pregnancy was super normal, he was so healthy and extremely active all the time. He would always kick and do somersaults to the point where you could see him rolling around. On December 25th 2022, everything changed. I woke up that morning feeling the need to isolate because I thought maybe today was the day. Although, Cailum hadn’t moved the entire day. We ended up calling the nurses hotline and they had recommended we go in. So we had jumped in the car excited because maybe it was baby time. Little did we know, we were about to face our biggest fear. We got checked in and ran some vitals then the nurse went to check for a heart beat.. she scanned one area.. nothing. Went to another side of my body… nothing. She kept moving around me and it was dead silence. I looked at my boyfriend while i was trembling. The nurse then called for an ultrasound technician to come in and check the baby. So we waited for a long while just staring at each other, when the technician came in she looked at the screen and scanned all around my belly. I was starting to have an anxiety attack and i asked “well…. what do you see…” and she looked at me with sad eyes and said “I’m so sorry… but i can’t see a heart beat…” i screamed. Andrew grabbed my belly softly and started weeping into it and kissing it. We then had to decide how we wanted to deliver. i chose c-section and it was set to happen the following morning. that morning was the scariest and most traumatic experience i had ever had. it’s honestly all a blur at this point. i remember them bringing me into the surgery room and i was sobbing into the nurse as they stuck the epidural into my back. my nurse and i had a plan where i would not see Cailum once he came out because i wanted to see him when he was clean. but after the epidural and the c-section was complete i saw his little hand and i cried “is that my baby?” the nurse nodded and asked if i’d like to see him. i said yes and she brought him to me, i stared at his beautiful face for what feels like forever, i kissed his cheeks and held his hand and sobbed so hard. and before i knew it i was patched up and put back in my recovery room. the doctors came in and explained that ultimately we had lost him because the cord was wrapped around his foot and he lost blood circulation. everything had looked fine with him except for that cord, they asked if we wanted an autopsy done on him and we declined, because at the end of the day, we lost our ray of sunshine, we felt like we didn’t need to do more to find out. after all the rushing and visitations had happened i got the opportunity to hold him after he was all cleaned up, i agreed and he was so cold. regardless he was here, 7 lbs, and 20.5 inches long. we sat there for 3 days getting to hold him while i recovered, we sang to him, showed him music, talked to him and gave him so many kisses. On the last day in the hospital we decided to get Cailum cremated. Ever since we brought his ashes home things have felt a better. Each day we’re growing and learning and making ourselves the best we can in memory of him. Every day he is missed and remembered and I hope he knows how much we love him, he will forever be our little angel from above.
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