Bastion Porter (Bash) was my second pregnancy & all seemed well after some small scares with two soft markers- calcium on his heart & a little extra liquid in his kidney. I was put on high risk and was told not to worry. His kidney was perfect by 30wks and many babies are born perfectly healthy with this calcium. I went into my 37-week gestational visit, everything was completely normal. He was perfect. No worries; no red flags. I wrote this a few months after his death… 


I lost my healthy infant in utero during late pregnancy. Even though this has been so hard for me to write, I am doing so because I wish I were the one reading this March 2020.


Over the weekend, I felt something was off. Bash wasn’t kicking like I was used to. It was only three days after a picture-perfect ultrasound. So, I drank my water, took a break, and then drank a sugary drink. I would get a kick here and there. It was just not feeling right. 

On Sunday, I waited for nighttime to see if that would help because he was more active at night. While I was in bed, out of nowhere, he kicked and kicked and kicked. It was different, though. Super irregular for him, super quick, and all over the place. But he kicked, so I thought I was in the clear. I even told my husband, “If he had been like this all day, I wouldn’t have worried.”

The world was in the beginning stages of the stay-at-home order for COVID-19. My husband and I knew that the hospital would be unavoidable when we went into labor. But until then, we were apprehensive about running straight to triage. We didn’t want to catch the virus at a busy hospital for a concern that “wasn’t a big deal.” We called, and the hospital showed no urgency. There wasn’t talk about worst-case scenarios, and I wasn’t even encouraged to come in. Everything was “up to me,” but I’m just a person, I’m not in the medical field. My first pregnancy had a positive outcome. I didn’t know any better.

Turns out, I should have followed my intuition. The next day was weird again (Monday). He wasn’t too active. I thought I would give him the night again because that had worked the night before. Night came- no kicks, small movements, the Braxton Hicks were starting. 

I said, “Okay, we will get it checked out in the morning.” Tuesday morning comes. We went in, and the hospital wasn’t even busy. I shouldn’t have waited. The staff was irritated I didn’t have an appointment, even though I called on the way.

It was there that he was declared to have no heartbeat at 37 weeks, 5 days pregnant. I was induced, and he was delivered the next day. My baby boy weighing 5lbs 9oz and 19 inches. Forever sleeping. 

I drove to the hospital that morning, LITERALLY telling my husband, “I know this is just a precaution; I know he’s fine. I just want to be sure.” He agreed. No urgency. Happy small talk on the way in. We were completely blindsided when they couldn’t find a heartbeat. 

In the worst case, I thought my doctors would induce me right then because they were a little worried. I assumed I would get a baby that was alive at the end of it. Little did I know…

Looking back, I believe he passed the night when he kicked sporadically. Those were his final movements. For a whole 24 hours at home, he was gone. But I was still cautiously feeling my baby bump and taking it easy, never rushing to the hospital. I did not know my baby was dead. At all. 


There was no urgency, no education, & no preventive measures. I was clueless. I will spend my whole life wishing someone had taken action before me. I hope prevention can start with me. 

As for my grief, I have created a foundation called Still Loved that sends birthday cards to babies gone-too-soon. Currently, we send 1000+ cards yearly. And I have written a baby memorial book, In Memory Of You, to help parents like me cherish their babies & have a place to grieve. 

Sending hugs to you all,
Autumn Cohen, Bash’s mama