On 13th April was supposed to be the start of the happiest phase of my life. After being married for more than 10 years, it was my first time seeing a double line on a kit. The response from my hubby was amusing. The line was so faint that he kept scrutinizing it under different angles and determined that it was indeterminate. He kept complaining that I didn’t let him see the kit at its baseline before I peed. Well, the next day, another kit made everything clearer. Both of us were in happy disbelief.
I happily arranged all the baby items and imagined the lovely nursery room. I went to see baby stuff, with a feeling unlike the past. In the past, I walked among those aisles with longing hope, wondering when I would need these items. Always looking in from the outside, into a world that seems so unreachable after a decade. This time, I walked along the aisles with a feeling that I finally belonged.
I brought baby clothes, requested free diapers samples, and arranged to go to all available mass sales of baby items. I checked for nannies, helpers, and watched and read about how to look after a tiny bundle of joy. I tolerated awful vitamins for my little joy.
My hubby, on many occasions, told me softly and gently he will look after me and joy.
I thank him for giving us our little joy. For changing my life.
Then came the spotting. This happened after I had mild flu. After hubby neglected to adjust the aircon temperature on the aircon -_- (only his phone could adjust that). 1 day later, after my shift, there were brown stains that alarmed me. This persisted the next day and I got an urgent appointment.
I didn’t know then that every appointment would be giving me bad news. I also didn’t know at that time, but my baby has stopped growing.
First appointment 29th April
The doctor could see the gestational sac (dated at 5 weeks and 2 days), but no yolk sac. So, it could be miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Or simply too early for a scan.
No problem, it was simply too early. My hubby and I were certain of this fact. In fact, I pushed the appointment back again and again, willing that we could see everything, including joy’s heartbeat. The spotting stopped after 5 days, and I was doubly sure everything was going to be ok.
Finally, the second appointment on 24th May arrived!! I was going to see my baby!! The doctor could not see anything with the intraabdominal scan. I waited with bated breath, whole body as stiff as a mouse caught by spotted light. The transvaginal scan showed Joy as a little tadpole, yea!! I shouted for my hubby, but the doctor asked me to hold. She never lost her tense look since the intraabdominal scan.
She told us she wants us prepared.
The scan showed the fetal pole at 3.6mm (dated 5 weeks and 6 days), with enlarged yolk sac 9.5mm.
There was no heartbeat.
This could mean perhaps the scan was done too early, Dr says. However, the enlarged yolk sac carries a high risk of miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. I didn’t wait til out of clinic to break down.
I was considering keeping the baby no matter what happens. Hubby on the other hand worries about chromosomal abnormalities when baby develops heartbeat.
Overnight, my hubby and I became experts on enlarged yolk sacs. There was 3 times higher risk of miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. There was about 10-20% chance of a normal pregnancy with a healthy baby.
No problem, we thought. Or rather, I was rather devastated and had crying spells. I kept ruminating on not just the yolk sac, but the fact that days have passed, but my baby is still at 5 weeks! Hubby, on the other hand, told me that as the mother, I have to be strong.
The machines are not accurate, he said.
10% – 20% is better than 1% or 2%.
Our Joy is strong. He does not give up.
I was convinced by my hubby.
2nd May was our 2nd opinion. I was an emotional mess.
The wait for the scan was terrible. I was as nervous as when I was doing my worse exams. But it’s more than that. It is God telling me whether my baby will be saved. It is low odds, but I have high hopes.
Hubby couldn’t enter the room. The technician saw nothing on intraabdominal scan. She kept quiet when doing the intravaginal scan and evaded my questions. Finally, she said there’s no heartbeat and she dated baby at 5 weeks ish as well. The sentence has come.
Doctor confirmed what technician said. She kindly did a repeated scan. She told me there were 3 choices, medication, surgical, or natural. There was a chance I have to do surgical if the medicine did not expel my baby.
I decided with natural. At my lowest, I had fleeting suicidal thoughts. Why everyone can have a baby, but I can not. Most people my age already completed their family. Why God take away my baby that, in such a short time, was conceived after such a long time.
I even visually designed the nursery! And brought clothes!! Again, my aisle walks at baby stores were inappropriate. I never belonged there.
I wanted to give up on God. Somebody who was institutionalised once told me she no longer believes in God because she prayed and prayed for her family to visit her, but they never did. So, she no longer believes in God. I completely understand her feelings now.
Walking outside looking at little babies and pregnant ladies was difficult as hell. I wanted to cry each time I see these blessed people.
Hubby, on the other hand, tried to cheer me up in his own way. Says we are still in better circumstances compared to parents who lost their baby at 8th month. Or that baby came out but was chronically sick. He says he cannot handle our baby in ICU with many tubes. It’s just some cells, it’s not our Joy. Joy wants to do great things in his life. He wants to choose the best environment to do it, not in an environment that gives him only 20% of chance.
Each time he saw me cry, he said, “Why are you still crying, I thought I had explained it to you.” Between sobs, I told him I needed to cry to get better. I was concerned about the way he processes his grief, though
Next was the big M (miscarriage). I was going on a trip to Europe on the week of my 2nd opinion. I kept praying for M to happen before or after the trip, and not during. Guess luck has not been on my side this whole time.
The spotting became heavier on D1 of my trip, and I bled heavily on my day 2 of the trip. I could feel a huge something in my pad, as in attached. Later, I saw it was what looked like a ?gestational sac with ?umblical cord in it. The fetal pole was probably in it, but too small for me to see. Everything went into the bin in the Macdonald’s male toilet. This Macdonald was next to the Milan’s cathedral, how I wish everything would have been in there, but I guess it was close enough.
I also bleed like 3/4 ping pong ball. I was really scared and worried. I thought the worst was over.
Later that night, I bled the size of 2 ping pong ball size and spent my time panicking, wondering whether I would bleed further or even to death. I have to spend some time cleaning the bedsheets too.
Over the next few days, the flow steadied with several episodes of heavy flow (almost ping pong ball size), which scared the shit outta me. I keep observing whether it would become the golf ball.
To prepare for a natural miscarriage during my overseas trip, I had been actively eating an enormous amount of food (I am 44 Kg) and drank plenty of fluids. I also carried Ibuprofen and iron tablets, both of which I ended up not taking.
After my overseas trip, I took two other weekend trips consecutively, and I thoroughly enjoyed them.
Finally, my last appointment was on 1 July 2025. It was also difficult going to a place where happy couples, pregnant ladies, and newborns were, and I found out later after the appointment that I was far from emotionally healed from the miscarriage.
But time will heal all.
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