Patrick & Mary’s story of stillbirth…….
I decided I wanted to take my own maternity photos and write about my personal experience! I wanted to take the photos alone and using a tripod in my sons nursery, the nursery he never got to use. The process of taking these photos was lonely, frustrating, stressful, exhausting, beautiful, comforting, discouraging, isolating, tiring, depressing, joyful, saddening, difficult, motivational and inspiring. This photo shoot symbolizes the emotions I feel every second of the day since my son died and with this subsequent pregnancy, and what I will feel for the rest of my life.
Our son died 12/29/2016 when I was 39 weeks and 3 days pregnant, 4 days shy of our due date. As I write this I am currently 29 weeks pregnant with Grayson’s little sister.
STILLBIRTH IS Watching This Is Us and thinking thank God that was 40 years ago and babies do not die anymore
STILLBIRTH IS Finding out you are pregnant and planning your bright future
STILLBIRTH IS Going to each ultrasound so excited and feeling blissful
STILLBIRTH IS Picking out names for your babySTILLBIRTH IS Finding out the gender of your baby and surprising your friends and family
STILLBIRTH IS Having an amazing baby shower
STILLBIRTH IS Putting together the most amazing nursery for your child to be
STILLBIRTH IS Going to your final appointment before you give birth to hear those dreaded words “I am sorry, there is no heartbeat”
STILLBIRTH IS Calling your husband at work and telling him his child is dead and he needs to leave work
STILLBIRTH IS Picking your mother up off the bathroom floor of the doctor’s office
STILLBIRTH IS Seeing your father cry for the first time in your life
STILLBIRTH IS Calling all the grandparents and aunts and uncle to be to let them know your baby has died
STILLBIRTH IS Hearing your family’s shrieks as they find out the news
STILLBIRTH IS Sitting on the hospital bed and being told you now must give birth to your dead child
STILLBIRTH IS 14 hours of labor, your child getting stuck and having a nurse jump on your stomach while the doctor reaches in to his elbows to pull your child out
STILLBIRTH IS Giving birth in a room full of loved ones so they can say hello and goodbye
STILLBIRTH IS Watching your husband cut the cord of your first child
STILLBIRTH IS Holding your child, wishing they would open their eyes and start crying
STILLBIRTH IS Spending hours with your child as their body goes cold in your arms
STILLBIRTH IS Watching nurses take your baby away knowing they are going to lay them on a cold slab of metal
STILLBIRTH IS Leaving the hospital all torn up, wearing an adult diaper and carrying a memory box
STILLBIRTH IS Going from the hospital straight to the funeral home to plan your child’s funeral and burial
STILLBIRTH IS Going home to an empty and quiet house
STILLBIRTH IS Laying in bed with breasts leaking milk with nobody to feed
STILLBIRTH IS Having gained 70lbs in pregnancy and feeling like a different person
STILLBIRTH IS Wanting to trade places with your child, to sacrifice your life for theirs
STILLBIRTH IS Physically healing and bleeding for 8 weeks
STILLBIRTH IS Endless nights of crying yourself to sleep
STILLBIRTH IS A piece of your heart that has been ripped out
STILLBIRTH IS Wanting to try for another baby and being terrified
STILLBIRTH IS Avoiding all babies, children, gatherings and even baby commercials
STILLBIRTH IS Losing friends because they no longer understand you
STILLBIRTH IS Becoming a changed person, and trying to accept this new version of yourself
STILLBIRTH IS Trying for 9 months wanting to get pregnant so badly, but also being terrified
STILLBIRTH IS Finding out you are pregnant again and feeling pure terror
STILLBIRTH IS Navigating grief and pregnancy after loss
STILLBIRTH IS People around you thinking time heals all wounds
STILLBIRTH IS Telling time by how many months or years ago your child died
STILLBIRTH IS A constant hole in your heart
STILLBIRTH IS Being exhausted after every social gathering
STILLBIRTH IS Being in a room full of people and feeling so alone
STILLBIRTH IS A lonely journey where very few people understand you
STILLBIRTH IS Those around you thinking a new pregnancy will help heal you
STILLBIRTH IS Knowing one child will never replace the other
STILLBIRTH IS Knowing this grief and sadness is a life long thing
STILLBIRTH IS Going to each doctor’s appointment dreading you will hear those words again
STILLBIRTH IS Not being able to be excited for your next child and always thinking they too will die
STILLBIRTH IS Not being able to change the nursery because you just do not have the heart to
STILLBIRTH IS SO MANY THINGS
STILLBIRTH IS ME
Mary Kovacs
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