After a couple of years of trying on our own my husband and I decided to meet with a local fertility specialist in hopes of starting a family. I was quickly diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and we began outlining the next steps. After my 5th round of IUI treatment we finally found out I was pregnant. We were on top of the world and became even more so when we found out with twins! Around 6 weeks we were told we lost one of the twins. We were devastated but kept on moving as “Baby A” was thriving and doing very well. From that moment on my pregnancy was normal and nothing made us think we would have further complications. I did have gestational diabetes but that was maintained with a good diet.
Everything was great – until I went in for my 38 week appointment. I had picked my sister up to come with us so she could see the baby and then we met my husband there. We got into the exam room and the doctor and I joked if the baby would be considered a “boy or a girl” based on the heart rate. He tried finding the heartbeat but wasn’t able to find one so he left to get the actual ultra sound machine. I didn’t think anything of it until when he put the ultra sound machine I heard him say, “I am sorry”. I had no idea what he was sorry for until he finished with “there is not heartbeat”.
It was in that moment my entire life stopped. Everything I knew about life had changed right along with who I was as a person. I remember crying saying I was never doing this again and feeling so numb. My husband and I sat there crying and hugging. My sister was being consoled by the nurse. The doctor advised we needed to go to the hospital to deliver and that he’d meet me there but to go home and get our bags and go to the hospital. To this day I cannot remember walking out of his office. My sister drove my car while I rode with Robbie to my parents’ house to drop her off and we went inside and everyone just cried. Again, I don’t remember much except for my 3-year-old nephew saying, “Amy lost the baby”. It was the first time I had really heard it and understood the meaning. We lost our baby; our hopes and dreams and everything we ever wanted was gone in a moment; this one moment in time that I will never forget and was the worst moment of my life.
We were met by family at the hospital and were quickly brought to the delivery room. I only remember bits and pieces of the first 24 hours. I remember laying there being hooked up to be induced. We decided we needed to get the word out because so many people were supporting us throughout the fertility issues so we texted work and friends with the news. Nurses, doctors, friends, and family came and went. The chaplain came to pray with us. We were thrown into making decisions we had never dreamed of deciding. Burial or cremation? Church or outdoor service? Where to bury the body, etc.? I had two nurses come in and cry with us because they had been through the same thing. These nurses became a part of our family in those moments. My doctor cried with us, we all cried. I was given a sleeping pill the help me “sleep” that night (I only got one hour) and kept being checked to see if I was dilated. The next morning we asked my uncle, who is a deacon, to come and pray with us and bless Finnegan after he was born. I will never forget his words that “it is okay to be angry with God right now” and that “God understands.” At 9:20 am I starting feeling pressure and knew I was about to deliver our son to Heaven. The nurse went to get the doctor and I just sobbed. I cried because once he was born there was no more hope this was a nightmare or a mistake. Once he was born this was all real.
At 9:35 am on May 25 our son, Finnegan Robert Kent, was born into Heaven and our arms. We were able to hold him and get pictures, handprint and footprints that we will forever treasure. Our families were able to meet him and for a short while we all got to hold him.
The shock didn’t wear off until after the memorial service. The magnitude of what happened hadn’t set it. It was in those first few weeks and months when it did. Our sadness will never go away but somehow we are learning to live with the pain. Six months after losing Finnegan we found we had enough fertility treatments for one more round. We decided to try it one last time and if I got pregnant we would have children but if not we were done. After that round of IUI treatment I was again pregnant. The whole pregnancy was high stressed, especially waiting to get past the miscarriage period and then again wanting to get to the end of the pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby. I was all set to be induced at 37 weeks when at 35.5 weeks our daughter, Delaney decided it was time to come. She was born July 18th and we were instantly in love. She is the definition of a rainbow baby and truly makes our lives happier. Three months after having her I noticed I was feeling a little sick so I took a pregnancy test and found out that on our own I got pregnant with our second rainbow baby! Mackenzie was born June 25th and again brought us so much joy and happiness. We couldn’t love these girls more – the same way we couldn’t love Finnegan more. All four of our children have taught and will continue to teach us what life is really about.
For us personally we have to find ways to make losing Finnegan become a “positive”. By getting the word out, helping other women in the same position, and bringing a community together to raise awareness and research. That is why I joined forces with Star Legacy Foundation to bring this type of organization to the Omaha metro and bring families together that have experienced this loss. My hope is that stillbirth causes are discovered and able to be prevented so that no other family has to experience the loss and all the pain that we have.
All Our Love – To Finnegan and Beyond!
The Kent Family – Robbie, Amy, Angel Finny, Delaney, Mackenzie and Ryley Grace